I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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