Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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