Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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