I faked an abortion last night.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
