whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
