Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
