I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
