I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
