I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize