Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize