I met the friendliest cop last night
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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