When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
