So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
