Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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