He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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