i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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