His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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