his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
