I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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