tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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