If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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