I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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