I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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