Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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