I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
