Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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