..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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