Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize