I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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