this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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