dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize