apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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