i jhust puked up my retainher.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize