I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
