the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
