i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize