I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
