I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
