i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
