I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
