I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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