I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
