and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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