My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
