I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
