theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
