i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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