I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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