wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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