I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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