In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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