I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
