its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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