im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize