when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
