Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
