i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
