I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize