after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
