Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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