Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
