your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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