am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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