I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
