I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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