We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
