Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
