I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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