It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
