I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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