Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
