He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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